the reality of it all.

I feel pretty amazing right now. I don't know if it was the gym or just this feeling of aliveness. I don't even know if that's a word but I'm using it. Life is so crazy. Today I woke up feeling confused and uncertain. Now I'm ready for bed and I'm satisfied with who I am. Amazing. I haven't been able to say that about myself for some time. Satisfied?... Lauren.... Not in the same sentence. I've been hatin on myself. Feelin sorry for the person I've become. The reality is I'm human. I don't know why I hold myself to such high standards because I'll never live up to them. The same thing with people. People will always fail. They will always let you down. Why? Because it's in their nature. Human. We're born faulty and when I expect too much I'll always be let down. I talk all this "be the leaf" crap but the truth is I don't follow it when it counts. I freak out. I try to control everything. You. Me. Your life. My life. That's not how it's suppose to be. I'm no one special. I can't judge anyone because my life is all fucked up, but that doesn't stop me. I give advice and say "hey, listen to me." The truth is I'd much rather examine your life than have you see the brokenness of mine. Reality is a hard pill to swallow. Lookin at yourself in the mirror is extremely hard but necessary. You have to see who you truly are... knock your ass down some steps. I've hit rock bottom and there's only one way to go. With Gods help I'm gonna rise from the ashes and shine!