i refuse to go back...

I'm on my way to you. You're going to help me through this all. I don't really know how it's all going to work out but I believe that it will. I'm going through a lot right now. I feel like everything is coming apart right now. I'm nervous about getting out of the military. It's like a good nervous feeling. Almost as if you're about to jump out of a plane and you're hoping your chute opens. You're scared as hell but hoping that everything works out okay. Personally, my life could be a lot better. I'm stuck. Emotionally. Physically. I feel like I want to move on but I don't really know how to. I need your help. I need to be able to move on. I think distance will help out with that but I don't want to rely soley on that. I want to be able to go in a healthy direction. I'm frustrated with how things have turned out. I wonder, what is it going to take for me to find love? All I've been looking for is a loving relationship with a caring partner. All I've end up doing is coming up short. I wonder if it has to do with my lifestyle. Maybe if I was what someone else wanted me to be than I'd be able to find "love." Maybe I should say "fuck it," and just wait it out. I'm a cool chick. I have plenty to offer. There has to be someone out there waiting for me. I hope I don't have to wait to long.

each new day, a lesson learned...

Over the course of the past couple of days I was thinking "man, I've grown." Today was the reality that I have not. I cannot rely on myself when things start looking on the up and up. I need to continue bringing my thoughts to God. I need to remember to treat ALL people how I want to be treated. Being rude or a douche in unacceptable. No matter what the situation is or my feelings toward that person. I cannot harbor hate or dislike for someone that I don't even know. So what if they're macking on my ex? Get over it Lauren! Life is going to continue with or without you. Continue to pray and seek guidance on your daily struggles but don't project hate. God is about love. You need to embrace the idea of love. Loving those that we truly love and those that we'd rather hate. Be the bigger person. You need to grow in these situations. Look to the Lord and mirror his doings. Pray. Seek out advice. There's no need to fake happiness but there is also no need to unnecessarily bring the mood down just cause I'm hurt. Life will get better if I let it. I need to let go and let God lead me.

OPEN

I've been reflecting on my past over the last couple of days. I've thought about the different situations I've gone through and the outcomes. I wrestle with the idea of coming to a realization than falling back into my old ways and than coming back to that realization months later. The only problem with this method is I always find myself behind the power curve. I'm always in the spot that I was running to get away from. I'm scared. I've had a thought: I'm getting older, with every passing day and year. I don't want to wake up and not know where I am twenty years from now. I'm going to grab life by the balls and enjoy it. We're here for such a short time and that time should be spent doing something that we love. Filled with loved ones. Not with people that are wasting my time or jobs that I hate. Life is to short. I'm scared to realize that I won't be here forever but I have to be real with myself. If I truly want to live and truly want to experience life than I need to let all this other shit go. I need to be open to the possibilities of change. Open to the unknown. Open to everything.

one down an infinite amount to go...

I wrote that letter to Lamis. I prayed and meditated on what should be included before I actually penned the words. I didn't want to come off needy or whiny and at the same time I didn't want to sound like an ass. Overall I think it went well. I said what I needed to say and left it at that. I slid it under her door and never asked her about it. The purpose is to get my feelings out in the open without asking them to deal with them. I wanted her to know how I felt. Honestly know what was and is going on in Lauren's head. I don't expect forgiveness or redemption through this but I do expect a chapter to be closing while another one opens. My biggest issue is not working through something in a healthy and productive matter. I pray that by writing these letters I allow myself the opportunity to do just that. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I'm am happy with how things have turned out for today.

a life without facebook...

I've quit facebook. Decided that instant up to date website is not what is needed in my life right now. Focus on me. Focus on Lauren. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this but I figure why not try. I've been talking about the stuff going on with different family members and friends and at first I thought I'd feel ashamed. I thought I'd want to hide my dirty little secrets, but now I'm glad I haven't. The more people I open up to the more insight I'm given. The more encouragement I receive. The more prayer lists I get placed on.... never a bad thing. My whole life has lead up to this moment. Time to deal with everything that every got swept under the rug or drowned in the pool. Now is when I start to deal with it all. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it all correctly. I was telling my aunt that I'm the type that usually requires a manual or list to follow. I need a guideline to go off of to make sure I'm doing "it right." And that right there has always been my problem... with everything. Am I doing this right? Am I loving God right? Am I being a good enough sibling? Friend? Am I being the best possible soldier that I can be? Am I? Am I? Am I? Never once have I been certain in what I was doing. I just went with it. If I got positive results I stayed the course. If I didn't, I changed it up. This is how I need to tackle being a christian. The bible is my book to follow but even that cannot give me all the answers. I must learn to walk by faith. Sometimes faith is walking blindly into the darkness for days just because you haven't been turned around yet. I have to believe that God had a plan for me. I have to believe that He knows what He's doing. I just have to trust and obey. Harder than it sounds but I have this feeling that this path I'm on is going to be utterly life changing. The Holy Spirit is doing things inside of me that I cannot explain. I feel scared and invigorated all in the same breathe. My life is at the lowest it's been in a while but this is where I was needed to be in order to see how much I needed you.

let's sharpen pencils...

I've been praying and mulling over how I would get over the things in my past. All the situations that I've buried deep down into my heart that are slowly eating me alive. The hate is boiling to the surface and if it's not dealt with soon I will have no one left, not even myself. The answer, I believe is this, to write a letter. I'm going to hand write each person a letter. I'm going to say whatever is needed to get my emotions out. All the anger or resentment I've held or the feelings that I've never spoken of will come out. This will be my release. I don't plan on cursing people out or yelling but I do plan on being honest. Honest with them and with myself. I'm going to put the words on paper and send them off. Out of my heart and mind and into the world. That is where they'll stay.

the reality of it all.

I feel pretty amazing right now. I don't know if it was the gym or just this feeling of aliveness. I don't even know if that's a word but I'm using it. Life is so crazy. Today I woke up feeling confused and uncertain. Now I'm ready for bed and I'm satisfied with who I am. Amazing. I haven't been able to say that about myself for some time. Satisfied?... Lauren.... Not in the same sentence. I've been hatin on myself. Feelin sorry for the person I've become. The reality is I'm human. I don't know why I hold myself to such high standards because I'll never live up to them. The same thing with people. People will always fail. They will always let you down. Why? Because it's in their nature. Human. We're born faulty and when I expect too much I'll always be let down. I talk all this "be the leaf" crap but the truth is I don't follow it when it counts. I freak out. I try to control everything. You. Me. Your life. My life. That's not how it's suppose to be. I'm no one special. I can't judge anyone because my life is all fucked up, but that doesn't stop me. I give advice and say "hey, listen to me." The truth is I'd much rather examine your life than have you see the brokenness of mine. Reality is a hard pill to swallow. Lookin at yourself in the mirror is extremely hard but necessary. You have to see who you truly are... knock your ass down some steps. I've hit rock bottom and there's only one way to go. With Gods help I'm gonna rise from the ashes and shine!

day 2

forgiveness. this is where I'm at today. Ron says you write it down and that's where it needs to stay. i can't allow myself to "work" through issues all the while hold onto them. I'm becoming self destructive, hell destructive towards people that don't warrant it. i need to talk through my shit and allow myself the opportunity to grow from it. I'm doing this for me.