All I need is You.

Simple huh? You are the answer to any question that will enter this mind of mine. How do I get thru this? You. How do I pay my bills? You. How do I love someone that I'd rather hate? You. How do I press on when every fiber in my being screams quit? YOU. How do I get my mind and thoughts straightened out? Submit them to You. You are the answer.

At first I was cold hearted, but now I feel every little thing.

who are we? is life always going to be this complex? people holding others to ridiculous standards just for the sake of doing it. labels are the devil. i heard someone say that last night. I'm going to agree with that statement. people get lost behind labels. feel like those labels define who they are. labels inflate us SO HIGH than have the tendency to deflate us so fast!... BOOM!. nothing left but a pile of rubble, dust, and disappointment. labels make me feel sorry for you. how is that we allow ourselves to get caught up in that all the while forgetting to actually see the person being swallowed up by the label. their drowning, and instead of helping them we're throwing more water into their sinking ships talking bout "Shush you! I'm helping!" How did our perception get so distorted? beer goggles for today's Christians. hell, I won't even focus solely on believers. beer goggles for today's people. we're so quick to judge and offer our "help" that we don't even take the time to listen, to get to the root of the real problem. here we are trying to cure someones sadness with tough love not even realizing that person has no idea what LOVE even is.

can you imagine? what is love? how do you define l-o-v-e? kissing... having sex... family... commitment... belonging to something bigger than yourself... happiness... butterflies in the tummy... heartache when they're away... pit of despair when you realize they're never coming back... open ended promises... down home cooking... hugs... that look... caring when no one else did...

are these correct definitions? you may say, no they are not. but who are you to say that? not too long ago i realized that i didn't even know the true meaning of family love. here i came from a huge family. one that i thought showed love the right way. turns out, i don't think we do. i think we show our own mutilated, messed up interpretation of love because that's how we've been taught to love. we don't know any better so we use sarcasm to hurt people that we love. we say things like, "this is just how we are." we blame it on, oh my dads sarcastic and so is my whole family. but the truth is why? why do we continually make fun even when we know its not funny anymore? why do we cross a line and then use an excuse of, "oh, you should be use to it by now." what a bunch of jerks we are. that's what I'm realizing... i once was a jerk.... an asshole... a sarcastic prick... a douche... a bully... a drunk... a user... an abuser... but now I'm not. I'm not defined by those things. I have my moments. I can still be an ass, but I'm more sensitive to the people around me and their feelings. people aren't meant to be robots. aren't meant to be clams. aren't meant to be bulletproof. it's okay for us to cry. that's not comic worthy. that should be applauded. that's genuine... and in a day like today, that is extremely hard to find.

poetic collage

Mirror: Who am I?

I know who I am in you.

I may not be sure of what I'm doing right now but that doesn't matter to me.

I'm so excited to have found you, I mean REALLY found you.

For the first time in forever I feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do.

Dancing Musical Notes

Thru the beats. The world moved in pieces. Dancing, bubbly beats. Falling down countless floors. Beats are my parachute. They keep me from crashing to my death. I awake to a dance club... a sea of people. Joy fills my heart.

I'm not You.

I refuse to become who I hate when I look at you. The more I try to avoid becoming you, the more I see your traits in my life. I shut down. I solve my problems with alcohol. I turn into the asshole that you are. I verbally assault those that I care about and than they excuse my behavior cause they know I'm drunk. I've turned into you by trying to avoid.

Strength

I need it to survive.

I don't know what to do, where to go.

Who am I?

Help me! Be my life vest in this sea of uncertainty.

I want to make it thru.

I know that thru you is the only way.

I did get myself here but I will never reach my full potential without you.

They may not believe me; think that I've lost my mind but I know I'm walking towards the person you see me as.

I'm trusting in your word and your promises. Shower me with your grace and mercy. Love me. Fill me with strength to continue moving forward.

ARE WE THERE YET?

Real questions, unreal answers. Who am I? Who do you want me to be? I'm not who I was and I don't know if you can accept who I've become. I have less answers. I put someone before you. As a result, you see me as secretive. A liar among you and your holiness. "Other people want me too." Is this what we've come to? Distrust and jealousy? I have no time for that in my life. It is a part I choose to keep out. You're unhappy with my decision, therefore you accuse me of being a hypocrite. Picking and choosing from the bible to fit my homofueled lifestyle. What, if you bash me enough, I'll come running back? Wrong. I'll go moving on.

Weary / Illness

I too am weary. I wonder how can God allow hard times to continue to fall on my life. Mom's dead. Both grandma's are dead. Sam's gone. Multiple other family members are no longer around. Why? To prove a point. To remind me that He's all powerful. What did I do? Was I off the track and this was necessary to grab my attention. What lesson was I needing to learn? I wonder if these things didn't back track me away from God. Now I see they draw me closer to Him. Each tear, every heartache, every funeral brought me closer to Him. I started seeking him out. Asking questions. Reading my bible. I'm here now with no idea of what step to take next. Which direction, Lord? He answers, "Wait, trust me." Honestly, I'm scared. I've been hurt by people who I've trusted. Wounded eyes are looking at God now. He's my constant. He's my soul. His love comforts me. He is why I need to trust. My obstacle is continual hurt. All the past and pain that comes with it. God's asking me to leap. Trust him. With my life, my $, my heart, and my future. He won't let me down. How do I trust? Pray. Don't worry. Follow my heart.

Be love

embrace Him. continue seeking. never stop growing.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Hate. Abandonment. Hopelessness. =/-(=) Forgiveness.

I don't know where to start. I thought I had successfully moved past my dad. Pastor pulled off those scabs which allowed God to slowly start debriding the wound.

*Hate - I hate my dad for leaving me. Why did he go? And than, why did he pick some new family? He saw what was happening but he stood by and he offered no help, financially or physically. It was like we had become nothing. Not good enough to talk to. Not good enough to love. Plain and simple... just not good enough.

*Hopelessness - When would it end? Does he even care beyond words that didn't start happening until I was an adult? Why was his choice always them over me? Why did he feel like he had to choose? Why now can he not even acknowledge the fact that he fucked up? I made the effort for a man who would not make the effort for me.

*Forgiveness - I don't think I'll ever understand how. God, I realize that his answers would never be good enough for me. I feel emotionally broken because of him. Help me to hit those emotions head on and with your encouragement and strength I can plow right thru them. Give me strength to forgive him for all that he's done. I don't want him to have that control over my life. He's my father, yes; but he's nothing more. I love him but I do not want to become who he is. My heart desires to be like you, Lord. I'm open to be filled with your Holy Spirit. I have cast my doubts aside and I know I can talk with you. I know I can trust you and that you will not abandon me. I want consistency and truth. I love you, Lord.

i refuse to go back...

I'm on my way to you. You're going to help me through this all. I don't really know how it's all going to work out but I believe that it will. I'm going through a lot right now. I feel like everything is coming apart right now. I'm nervous about getting out of the military. It's like a good nervous feeling. Almost as if you're about to jump out of a plane and you're hoping your chute opens. You're scared as hell but hoping that everything works out okay. Personally, my life could be a lot better. I'm stuck. Emotionally. Physically. I feel like I want to move on but I don't really know how to. I need your help. I need to be able to move on. I think distance will help out with that but I don't want to rely soley on that. I want to be able to go in a healthy direction. I'm frustrated with how things have turned out. I wonder, what is it going to take for me to find love? All I've been looking for is a loving relationship with a caring partner. All I've end up doing is coming up short. I wonder if it has to do with my lifestyle. Maybe if I was what someone else wanted me to be than I'd be able to find "love." Maybe I should say "fuck it," and just wait it out. I'm a cool chick. I have plenty to offer. There has to be someone out there waiting for me. I hope I don't have to wait to long.

each new day, a lesson learned...

Over the course of the past couple of days I was thinking "man, I've grown." Today was the reality that I have not. I cannot rely on myself when things start looking on the up and up. I need to continue bringing my thoughts to God. I need to remember to treat ALL people how I want to be treated. Being rude or a douche in unacceptable. No matter what the situation is or my feelings toward that person. I cannot harbor hate or dislike for someone that I don't even know. So what if they're macking on my ex? Get over it Lauren! Life is going to continue with or without you. Continue to pray and seek guidance on your daily struggles but don't project hate. God is about love. You need to embrace the idea of love. Loving those that we truly love and those that we'd rather hate. Be the bigger person. You need to grow in these situations. Look to the Lord and mirror his doings. Pray. Seek out advice. There's no need to fake happiness but there is also no need to unnecessarily bring the mood down just cause I'm hurt. Life will get better if I let it. I need to let go and let God lead me.

OPEN

I've been reflecting on my past over the last couple of days. I've thought about the different situations I've gone through and the outcomes. I wrestle with the idea of coming to a realization than falling back into my old ways and than coming back to that realization months later. The only problem with this method is I always find myself behind the power curve. I'm always in the spot that I was running to get away from. I'm scared. I've had a thought: I'm getting older, with every passing day and year. I don't want to wake up and not know where I am twenty years from now. I'm going to grab life by the balls and enjoy it. We're here for such a short time and that time should be spent doing something that we love. Filled with loved ones. Not with people that are wasting my time or jobs that I hate. Life is to short. I'm scared to realize that I won't be here forever but I have to be real with myself. If I truly want to live and truly want to experience life than I need to let all this other shit go. I need to be open to the possibilities of change. Open to the unknown. Open to everything.