Wednesday, October 20, 2010

poetic collage

Mirror: Who am I?

I know who I am in you.
I may not be sure of what I'm doing right now but that doesn't matter to me.
I'm so excited to have found you, I mean REALLY found you.
For the first time in forever I feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do.




Dancing Musical Notes

Thru the beats. The world moved in pieces. Dancing, bubbly beats. Falling down countless floors. Beats are my parachute. They keep me from crashing to my death. I awake to a dance club... a sea of people. Joy fills my heart.




I'm not You.

I refuse to become who I hate when I look at you. The more I try to avoid becoming you, the more I see your traits in my life. I shut down. I solve my problems with alcohol. I turn into the asshole that you are. I verbally assault those that I care about and than they excuse my behavior cause they know I'm drunk. I've turned into you by trying to avoid.




Strength

I need it to survive.
I don't know what to do, where to go.
Who am I?
Help me! Be my life vest in this sea of uncertainty.
I want to make it thru.
I know that thru you is the only way.
I did get myself here but I will never reach my full potential without you.
They may not believe me; think that I've lost my mind but I know I'm walking towards the person you see me as.
I'm trusting in your word and your promises. Shower me with your grace and mercy. Love me. Fill me with strength to continue moving forward.




ARE WE THERE YET?

Real questions, unreal answers. Who am I? Who do you want me to be? I'm not who I was and I don't know if you can accept who I've become. I have less answers. I put someone before you. As a result, you see me as secretive. A liar among you and your holiness. "Other people want me too." Is this what we've come to? Distrust and jealousy? I have no time for that in my life. It is a part I choose to keep out. You're unhappy with my decision, therefore you accuse me of being a hypocrite. Picking and choosing from the bible to fit my homofueled lifestyle. What, if you bash me enough, I'll come running back? Wrong. I'll go moving on.




Weary / Illness

I too am weary. I wonder how can God allow hard times to continue to fall on my life. Mom's dead. Both grandma's are dead. Sam's gone. Multiple other family members are no longer around. Why? To prove a point. To remind me that He's all powerful. What did I do? Was I off the track and this was necessary to grab my attention. What lesson was I needing to learn? I wonder if these things didn't back track me away from God. Now I see they draw me closer to Him. Each tear, every heartache, every funeral brought me closer to Him. I started seeking him out. Asking questions. Reading my bible. I'm here now with no idea of what step to take next. Which direction, Lord? He answers, "Wait, trust me." Honestly, I'm scared. I've been hurt by people who I've trusted. Wounded eyes are looking at God now. He's my constant. He's my soul. His love comforts me. He is why I need to trust. My obstacle is continual hurt. All the past and pain that comes with it. God's asking me to leap. Trust him. With my life, my $, my heart, and my future. He won't let me down. How do I trust? Pray. Don't worry. Follow my heart.
Be love
embrace Him. continue seeking. never stop growing.
Isaiah 40:28-31

Hate. Abandonment. Hopelessness. =/-(=) Forgiveness.

I don't know where to start. I thought I had successfully moved past my dad. Pastor pulled off those scabs which allowed God to slowly start debriding the wound.

*Hate - I hate my dad for leaving me. Why did he go? And than, why did he pick some new family? He saw what was happening but he stood by and he offered no help, financially or physically. It was like we had become nothing. Not good enough to talk to. Not good enough to love. Plain and simple... just not good enough.

*Hopelessness - When would it end? Does he even care beyond words that didn't start happening until I was an adult? Why was his choice always them over me? Why did he feel like he had to choose? Why now can he not even acknowledge the fact that he fucked up? I made the effort for a man who would not make the effort for me.

*Forgiveness - I don't think I'll ever understand how. God, I realize that his answers would never be good enough for me. I feel emotionally broken because of him. Help me to hit those emotions head on and with your encouragement and strength I can plow right thru them. Give me strength to forgive him for all that he's done. I don't want him to have that control over my life. He's my father, yes; but he's nothing more. I love him but I do not want to become who he is. My heart desires to be like you, Lord. I'm open to be filled with your Holy Spirit. I have cast my doubts aside and I know I can talk with you. I know I can trust you and that you will not abandon me. I want consistency and truth. I love you, Lord.